


Mocking Effigies

by notbug (KageKashu)



Category: Fullmetal - Fandom, Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Gen, Humor, Mild Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 02:58:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KageKashu/pseuds/notbug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With as fast as Edward transmutes things, it's safe to say that every last detail doesn't come from his conscious mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mocking Effigies

**Author's Note:**

> A silly thought between a friend and I. Enjoy.

The girl was tall, but Edward couldn't find it in himself to complain. She was asking him directions, for something or other, and he answered as best as he could, considering that he wasn't even sure of the words that were coming out of his mouth. His eyes kept getting distracted on their way to her face. He wasn't sure if he should be bothered by the fact that she didn't seem to notice.

After several minutes of attempted conversation, the girl finally left, giving a sly smile and an invitation to see him again later. Ed wasn't quite sure what to make of that, and his flesh hand twitched against the wall where it had been resting since before the conversation had begun. He stood there in a daze, the girl's poorly restrained breasts (which had been so close to his face) still dancing in his mind. 

He was pretty sure that he was supposed to be doing something, but those breasts... They were nice and round and eye level... and he was supposed to be doing something. _What_ was he supposed to be doing? "Did I just make a date?" he muttered. _What_ was he supposed to be doing? "I don't have time for a girlfriend!" 

_What_ was he supposed to be doing? His eyes alit upon a poster, not ten feet away, a familiar blue uniform adorning the figure pictured on it. The color seemed to jar his memory, and he hissed suddenly. Right, the colonel. He had to talk to Mustang. "Bastard," he growled, and tried to calculate where the man would be right about now. 

His hands clapped together once, and he slapped them both down to the wall, and a voicepipe sprang up between his hands, and Ed grinned. 

* * *

An alchemical charge drew Colonel Mustang's attention to the wall next to his desk. Before he had a chance to leap away, however, a fine metal pipe began to form, soon topped with the usual effigy that showed up in many of Fullmetal's transmutations. There was something... new... on this one, however. Just below the strange, duck-like face, with its shifty cartoon eyes, and yellow antenna and braid, two breasts (he had to assume that they were meant to be breasts) bounced like they were some kind of perpetual motion machine. 

He sweated for a moment, staring at it. "What is this?" Was Edward mocking him? It certainly looked like a pointed comment on his habits. The effigy's breasts continued to bounce as Fullmetal's sharp voice echoed through the pipe. "Is he mocking me?" Roy asked, turning to Lieutenant Hawkeye, who looked as amused as ever. 

"Shall I read a section of your datebook?" she asked, and behind her, 2nd Lieutenant Havoc chuckled. 

"I think they've got a point, sir," Havoc stated, grinning at the effigy and its continually bobbing breasts. "Boss has a wicked sense of humor, doesn't he?" 

Some time during the short discussion, Fullmetal finished talking, and the pipe disintegrated, and the duck-faced thing fell to the floor, as though the young alchemist was leaving them a gift. Mustang licked his lips. "I don't suppose either of you caught what he was saying, did you?" 

Silence was the only answer. 

* * *

Two weeks later 

The object on Havoc's desk was familiar. It had his hair - the braid, anyway, and his antenna. The bouncing bosom was new, though. Edward leaned forward, frowning. When had he made this? He had no doubt that it was his work. No one else could convincingly imitate Edward's artistic flair... if one could call it art. 

But what was with the boobs? 

He could admit to himself that things like the self-effigies that sometimes appeared on his work came out of his subconscious. It wasn't like he thought deeply, or concentrated every time he used his alchemy. He usually just let his subconscious fill in the details, which he was regretting at the moment. But when did he make this, and what was he thinking about, that it had (literally) bouncing breasts? 

"Hey Boss," came a voice from behind him, and one large, smoke-scented hand descended onto the top of his head and dug into his hair and began ruffling it back and forth. "Looking at your little masterpiece? I think the colonel is still sulking." 

"When is this from?" Ed asked plaintively. "And why is that bastard sulking about it?" He looked up at Havoc, and the man's blue eyes were crinkled with a smile. 

"I took it from when you made a voicepipe into Colonel Mustang's office. It looked like you were making fun of him, and he still hasn't recovered." The hand on Ed's head ruffled his hair again. 

Havoc was lucky. Ed was still too busy trying to figure out what he'd been thinking to get upset over the patronizing gesture. After a minute, he admitted, "I don't know why I made this." 

"How can you not know?" Havoc asked, bemused. 

"It's not like it was a conscious choice," Ed defended. "It just came out that way. It's like... I don't know." 

"Well," Havoc asked, helpfully, "what were you doing when you made it?" 

Ed considered. He actually had a rather good, if not eidetic, memory. When he had yelled at the colonel through a voicepipe directly into his office... he hadn't been doing anything, really, but yelling... But just before he had alchemized the pipe, there had been the girl. The one with the really nice boobs. His eyes narrowed and he eyed the 2nd Lieutenant sidelong, a flush crawling its way up his cheeks in spite of his attempts to fight it back. 

"Oh," said Havoc, knowingly. 

"Shut up," Ed muttered, finally ducking away from the hand that had begun tugging playfully at his antenna. 

Havoc's eyes moistened with emotion, and Ed knew that he wasn't going to like the next words out of the man's mouth. "Did you get a girlfriend, Boss?" 

"Shut up!" Ed yelled, lunging at him. 

"You've got a girlfriend!" Havoc exclaimed, dodging away and darting to the other side of the desk. 

Ed gave chase with another shout of "Shut up!" 

"Tell Big Brother all about your girlfriend," the man called, even as he sprinted for the door, an angry blond alchemist right on his heels. 

"I said shut up!!" 

And Havoc never did get that bra he had wanted for the slightly obscene little statue thingy, but as he spent the next couple of days in the hospital, he thought it was worth it. 

After all, the nurses sure were pretty.


End file.
